Failed Grammar and Punctuation

We should all know this little gem:

"There's a difference between "i helped my uncle jack off his horse", and "I helped my uncle, Jack, off his horse."

If you can't see the difference, then there's either no hope for you or English isn't your first language. And I sincerely hope it's the latter.

Grammar is an extremely important part of daily lives, and some (well, a lot of internet dwellers) of you think that grammar isn't something to pay attention to on the internet. "BT ITS THE INTERNT NT SKOOL"

Fuck you kids. If you were looking for a job, and I were to be interviewing you, I'd look your shit up. I'd go through your post history on the internet, and if you can't even take the fucking time to think about the difference between commonly missused words and knowing where the fuck to put apostrophes, I'm not fucking hiring you. Once it's on the internet, it stays there. Nearly everything you say on the internet is immortalized in logs, databases, and memes. Think about your future for once.

I don't get mad when people correct my grammar, I say thanks and I learn from it. Call me a Grammar Nazi, go ahead. I may be an asshole, but it's only for the greater good. After all, there's a difference between knowing "your shit" and "you're shit", and I can't stand people that incessantly say things like "no, it's got to go!", or constantly attempt to correct someone else's grammar when it's entirely correct, eg.:

SHOW THAT BITCH WHAT FOR.

I don't always capitalize the beginning of a sentence when I'm IMing (that's Instant Messaging for you kids out there), because I like getting my message out as soon as possible. I used to, but now I usually just capitalize proper nouns and other words that need it. However, I do use correct punctuation to the best of my knowledge. I may comma splice a lot, but I'm getting better at using semicolons... though I do forget about that mark quite a bit.

Now, since I don't always capitalize the first word in a sentence, it'd be hypocritical for me to say that you must do it. I don't mind the occasional spelling error, but seriously, the browser underlines words it doesn't recognize WITH A SQUIGGLY RED LINE. Fucking right click the word that's underlined.

Although, If You Type Like This, I Hope You Fall In A Black Hole.

Here's a helpful list of common homonym errors, please write it on the underside of your eyelids.

Credit to whomever posted it on Funnyjunk

Also: cologne =/= colon. Your boyfriend's large intestine IS NOT what you sprayed on your face. At least I hope it isn't...

Accept =/= except. You do not except an award.

Died =/= dyed. You do not die for colouring your clothing, and your dyed clothing doesn't kill itself... unless it's tie-dye.

LOOSE IS NOT FUCKING LOSE. You do not 'loose' your virginity, and your butt is not 'lose'.

Buy a book, or an e-book.. whatever you fancy, and read it. No, not 50 Shades of Grey.. Something by Sir Arthur C. Clarke would be a great start.

And as for different dialects, I type mostly with British spelling. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm highly attracted to their accent? I'm a sucker for Brits and Aussies. Grey, armour, etc., as opposed to gray and armor. No, Firefox, armour isn't misspelled. If anyone sees any broken grammar in my posts, feel free to correct it, but please at least say why so I learn. Thanks.

And I'll leave you with this, may your bacon be delicious:

Credit: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal